It’s terrifying when my biggest competition is myself 40 pounds lighter. I have lived in two bodies and two minds, and I live day-to-day trying to determine which is the better one. My illness gave me a kind of euphoria in which no one could touch me; no one could ever hurt me.


Through recovery, I came to discover that the only thing ever hurting me was my eating disorder. Although, a mourning process occurred as I began to heal, like saying goodbye to an old, toxic friend.


I am spellbound and seduced by the option to turn back to the sickness. I am terrified of it and logically know that there is another way, a better way.


The world is still unsettling to me and it is unsettling living in this body. Is it possible to go on living without my past experience changing my perception on reality? On myself? This imagery of an imagined space is a visual of how it feels to live in a suddenly weight restored body.